Silver Lining

Today is improving.

I have Cat Stevens stuck in my head, which is a good thing. It always makes me feel like watching Harold and Maude.

No Good

I'm not in a good mood today. It's partially hormonal and partially getting up on the wrong side of the bed. I don't want to be here today.

I wish I was spending my day with her, instead of spending it behind a desk:

I don't think the gloomy weather is helping, either.

Marvel

When I went to visit my daughter today, she was sleeping. Laying peacefully on her tummy, little white keds and jeans with the flowers embroidered on the pockets because it's a chilly day today, pink cotton cardigan keeping tiny arms warm. I sat down on the floor beside her, my face close to hers, her cherubic cheeks and full lips relaxed in the warm dance of sleep. My hand fit between the crib bars and I placed my hand on hers, marveling at the warmth of her, the very essence of her presence, and how it can still amaze me that she is here, that we created her -- we made her -- and she is ours to take home and treasure.

I sat in my car for the rest of my lunch, the desire to stay hidden and unnoticed with my book, parked in an out-of-the-way space, glancing at my clock and seeing that time refuses to stand still when I want it to, putting my book away and locking my doors, walking briskly back to my desk where time will again creep by, until hours pass and I can pick her up and give her the hug I desire to give.

Still

I lose enough hair each morning (as I brush it) to make a bald man cry.

When does this stop???

Fortunately, I'm thankful my hair is so thick that the whole thinning-hair-post-baby isn't noticeable to anyone but me.

Summer of 2009

This summer is our summer. No anticipation of graduation or marriage or birth; instead we have the eagerness of first steps and watermelon and swimming pools. Schedules are relaxed and idle time present. Plenty of hours in the day to rollerblade, smell the flowers, plant a garden, laugh, snap photos, take mini-roadtrips, without guilt of should-be-doings hanging over our heads.

Summers like these stretch before us, the long lingering stretch that marries naps and wakefulness, hammocks and snuggles. Undefined days and unchartered nights. We three mix our souls together and braid them into a single unity, one that has a playful spine and adventuresome spark. Time is measured in weekends and days off, stolen moments and seeing the world through the eyes of someone experiencing everything for the first time, innocent joy filling every fiber.

Splish Splash

What a fabulous weekend. My tan is amazing. My daughter? A swimmer. We spent the weekend in various pools, splashpads and parks; rollerblading, walking and laughing. This is my life. I am so lucky.

Oh, and did I mention how playing in the pool tires her out??? We slept in until 8a on Sunday. The last time I did that was about 9 1/2 months ago.

Little Ironies

• Taking my BC pill while my friend tells me she's expecting #2.
• Wishing some of the clothes I wore all last spring/summer weren't maternity so I could wear them now. I loved this dress.
• Worrying that Bennett doesn't have anything nice to wear for her first *official* playdate tomorrow because we just got back and I have a small mountain range of laundry.
• Thinking a good anniversary gift would be to have this re-sized again. Smaller. Because it's to the point of almost falling off my hand thanks to all the weight I've lost.

Worth a Mention

• Our garden is growing!!
• I haven't worn the same outfit in almost two weeks. I'm going to keep trying to wear new combinations for at least the next week.
• A pair of shorts from two summers ago (pre-PRE-baby) fit. I am ecstatic!
• Because of our trip, I only have a two-day workweek. So happy it's Friday.
• In about another month, I will be the big 3-0. I'm so ready. I have a feeling my thirties are going to be completely awesome.

Eight Days and Nights

I already miss it.

Fun days exploring; nights spent chilling. Near lakes and rivers far from home.

It's difficult to put into words how absolutely calming this trip was, despite several bumps in the road (some quite literal when we took a "seasonal, not snow plowed" road; others metaphoric), and how at peace the three of us are with one another, whether it is eating, exploring or sleeping. We are all on the same wavelength.

We spent eight days and nights never more than an arm length away from one another; constant togetherness that bred familiarity and warmth.

We took pictures constantly, marveling at the beautiful beaches and forgetting to take any photos on Mackinac Island -- since this has been a destination each summer for many years -- even though this was the first summer Bennett was with us (outside the womb). Despite the lack of photographic evidence, we had a fun (chilly!) time on the island and rollerbladed its circumference before embarking on the noon ferry back to the mainland.

From there, we drove north over the Mackinac Bridge to Sault Ste. Marie. We walked around town and stayed on the St. Mary's River for the night. My husband caught a large speckled trout, which we had for dinner the next night:

Nice view, eh? Right on St. Mary's River. The Soo Locks were only a mile away from us. We missed the last of the freighters for the day, but heard them returning, their baritone horns echoing throughout the night.

Bennett was more interested in her shoes than with our little visitor (outside the window).

After breakfast (our camper has a four burner gas stovetop and oven and a small fridge. Bonus: it also has a toilet and shower!), we headed over to the freighter-turned-museum that is moored in the Sault Ste. Marie. I got a kick out of seeing the crew's quarters and the galley.

From there, we headed to Tahquamenon Falls. We stopped at both the lower and upper falls, but the mosquitoes were so fierce that we gave up after a very quick viewing of both and ran back to the camper.

Our campsite in Tahquamenon Falls:

After a little siesta (for all three of us) and a quick lunch, we stopped at a beach in Brimley. The fog was like mud and rolled over Lake Superior.

Next, we headed to Whitefish Point and walked the beach there before stopping in the bird observatory. It was beautiful, but cold. I was hoping to get a sweatshirt or some other souvenir, but it was overpriced (and not that exciting). (We did manage to snag two great sweatshirts for Bennett on the trip: one that says "Soo Locks" and the other for Mackinac Island. I actually came home empty handed.)

Our destination for that night was Grand Marais, a beautiful beach town on Lake Superior. Our campsite was incredibly cheap and overlooked a white sand beach. We took several walks and stayed a bit later than usual that day. It was also Bennett's first sand/beach experience!

The beach at Grand Marais -- no one was enjoying it but us!! We found bear tracks during our morning walk.

Our final leg of the trip included a stay in Petoskey, which actually happened by accident since the exit we were originally looking for didn't exist!! Petoskey is a beautiful town. We stayed the night in a park overlooking Little Traverse Bay and walked the downtown after breakfast.

We found Bear Lake for our last night. Our site couldn't have been better:

And I know I promised to do this before, but I haven't worn my new bathing suit since I received it. So, here it is, without further adieu....me, 9 months post baby, in a bikini, holding Bennett in a matching bikini in Bear Lake:

A bittersweet farewell to a fantastic trip:

9 Months Post is a Very Good Thing

Not only do I get to wear some my old (dearly missed) clothes (like today's tan/white seeksucker pantsuit!!!!) but I get killer biceps (thanks to holding 18 pounds of baby constantly), a higher energy level (maybe due to no longer breast feeding??) and the sweetest baby on the planet.

I knew my life was going to change when the test turned positive on January 2, 2008...and even though the first few weeks of being a new mom were kind of rough, these last few weeks have been incredibly amazing. Here we are, embarking on yet another family vacation and the fantastic ability to spend a week together in our camper, exploring areas of our state and cuddling with our beautiful daughter.

As the ticker gets closer to the big one year old marker, I am happy to say that life couldn't feel more complete. I have learned to balance quite a bit while trying to enjoy as much as I can. I have learned to focus on what matters and ignore what doesn't and I have learned to make decisions that affect everyone in our family as positively as possible.